Eat this, not that [you fool]!

So, I work at a gym. There are people of all shapes and sizes, from bodybuilders with lats that jut out and require an airlift in and out of the joint until we replace the doors with wider versions, to career class-goers (Group Ex, for those in the know) whose primary purpose seems to be to spend their husbands' dollars on fitness. In other words, we're just like any other health club as far as clientele goes. And like other places, we have subtle food propaganda that may not even reach the members, but still insinuates itself into the lives of trainers, instructors, and other employees.

Case in point (point in case? point in point?): I was sitting in the employee lounge, munching on my WaWa turkey sandwich (on wheat, whole sandwich toasted, lettuce, tomato, grated parmesan, extra turkey and cheddar, golden barbeque sauce [whateverthehell that is], pepper and oregano - BEEP BOOP BEEP - if you're familiar with WaWa, you know what I'm saying. Otherwise, sorry) and sipping on some of that barely-sweet flavored water when I glanced at a notice on the bulletin board that presented a side-by-side comparison of the "acceptable" choices at favorite chain restaurants versus their obviously immediate death-inducing counterparts.

For example, at Cinnabon, apparently it is wiser to order a Minibon than to go for the regular-size Cinnabon version. It has fewer calories, saturated fat, and is about a third of the size.

Mind = blown.

Basically, the sage advice of such pamphlets as far as I can glean is: eat less bad stuff. Oh? You mean, if I were to eat A piece of the Colonel's secret recipe extra crispy it would be "better" for me than devouring the entire 20-piece family bucket?

Needless to say, I was shocked. I had to share my profound discovery here - you all are so lucky to hear this from me. I'm pretty sure the information was sequestered in our break room because the government or whoever doesn't want the average gym-goer to know that there are relatively-sensible-in-the-way-that-cutting-your-arm-off-is-preferable-to-being-
crushed-under-a-thousand-tons-of-pirate-gold type of choices out there for what you eat and how it affects your wellbeing.

But wait, there's more. Get this: Whooper Jr. has fewer calories than a Whopper. So, my advice as a fitness professional is this: eat five Whoppers Jr. (also, be amazed by my grasp of linguistic formalism) every time you work out. Also, instead of water, drink Diet Coke, since Diet Coke doesn't have any calories, and you can never be too sure about water.

In case you don't have the guts to read this entire post but have skipped to the end, let me distill it down to today's food advice:

1. Eat as many Minibons as you can directly before exercising.
2. Smaller versions of things = waaaaay better.
3. You might not even have to work out if you would just stop eating Whoppers and start eating more Whoppers Jr., fatty.